Last Tuesday, an experiment gone awry killed three scientists and caused catastrophic damage to the planet’s largest super-collider, known as project CERN, a nefarious coalition of politically controlled scientists eager to subvert scientific achievements in the name of furthering ominous ventures that threaten humanity.
Dr. Ravi Mutnaj, a New Delhi based physicist formerly attached to CERN, said the incident occurred when scientists tried to enhance the collider’s magnetic coils by adding an additional eighteen hundred super magnets to the existing ninety-six hundred. The combined pull of the magnets, in conjunction with nine thousand filaments of magnetized cable, generate a force over 100,000 times more powerful than the gravitational pull of Earth. Dr. Mutnaj said the accident occurred as the scientists attempted to create an interdiminsial gateway—or portal—to a parallel universe. As protons fired across a seventeen-mile circular track six hundred feet beneath the ground, he said, temperatures rose to unprecedented levels, which caused a cascading system failure and a detonation that instantly obliterated a five mile stretch of the track and incinerated the trio of scientists working on the project.
“There was massive damage to the hadron collider,” Dr. Mutnaj said. “For now, CERN is effectively shut down. From what I hear, it will take at least seven months to repair the damaged section. These people are devious and despite the loss of life, humanity is better off with CERN offline. To create their portal, they wanted to accelerate and collide three beams of ions.”
The portal, he added, opened shortly before temperatures approaching 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit vaporized the scientists and part of the facility. The masterminds behind CERN believe portals are necessary in case Earth becomes uninhabitable; the gateways would provide a means of egress—and escape route—to a parallel world free of disease, famine, and suffering. But previous attempts to open portals, Dr. Mutnaj said, had the opposite effect—manifesting entry points to worlds filled with nightmash creatures or producing artificial singularities that could potentially annihilate life on Earth.
“It’s all about power. They felt by increasing the collider’s power they’d have a better chance of attenuating the opening to a desirable location. It backfired. They claim they’re doing this to save humanity but they are interested only in saving themselves and the elite. Even if they achieved their goal, average everyday people would not be welcome in whatever inhabitable world they discover. This setback gives us more time to find a way to counter their devious plans. I’m happy the explosion happened.”
Asked why the mammoth explosion did not generate an earthquake detectable on the Richter scale, Dr. Mutnaj said collider is encased in an underground bunker with fifteen-foot thick concrete walls on all sides. This safety measure ensures radiation remains contained in the enclosure and that mishaps cannot be detected by the outside world.
In closing, Dr. Mutnaj encourages citizens to petition French and Swiss governments to terminate the European Organization for Nuclear Research’s lease. Besides creating Portals, CERN has also engaged in other fiendish programs, such as tapping into dark matter and creating the God particle, any one of which could snuff out life in the blink of an eye.