Trump Muses Machinegun Emplacements on Border Wall


Speaking to security advisors and senior staff on Friday, President Donald J. Trump entertained the idea of installing machinegun emplacements on the border wall he has struggled to build, says a Beltway source speaking under promise of anonymity. While House Democrats celebrated a New York Times article revealing Trump’s “Border Resolve” mass deportation program netted only 35 arrests, the president and Co. anguished over how to silence opposition prattle, deport more illegals, and strengthen a border wall that some critics argue has not even begun construction.

At one point in the weekly meeting, Trump leapt from his seat and dryly asked ICE Deputy Director Matthew Albence about the feasibility of deploying automated sentry guns along the wall. He said he had seen the impressive weapons used to great effect in the movies Robocop, The Jackal, and Shooter. Positioning his arms as if holding a machinegun, the president simulated spray-firing bullets whilst making gunshot noises with his mouth.

“If I can’t keep them out one way, I’ll keep them out another way,” Trump purportedly said. “Since Israel has sentry guns on its wall, so should we.”

When Albence questioned his sincerity, Trump allegedly replied, “All options are on the table,” and reiterated that ridding the nation of illegals remained his top priority. He acknowledged, however, that “The Squad” would misinterpret his patriotism for xenophobic racism, referring to the four Democratic freshmen lawmakers who have been a nagging thorn in Trump’s side. They’ve tried to impugn his motives, calling him an imperious, obnoxious tyrant whose supercilious attitude has made America the laughingstock of the free world.

“Trump said he’d like to riddle them with bullets, too, but I’m sure he made the comment in gest. He said it flatly, with a smile and a smirk. But then again, you never know. He didn’t say if he was serious about guns on the wall. Some in his company, though, thought he was,” our source said.

Also present was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Joseph Dunford. “Fighting Joe,” a nickname he earned in the Marine Corp., disputed the need for costly robotic sentry guns when he had thousands of gung-ho Marines at his disposal. Trump countered that America’s frontline fighting men need not be emotionally burdened by shooting unarmed illegals.

“Then let’s arm them,” said National Security Advisor John Bolton.

“Obama already did that with Operation Fast and Furious; didn’t work out great for him,” said Jared Kushner, son-in-law and advisor to the president.

Serious or not, Trump was apparently inspired by Kim Jong-un’s border security during his historic visit to North Korea. He told Jong-un that while the fence separating North and South Korea paled in comparison to his magnificent wall, he commended the dictator’s willingness to gun down any person unlawfully entering—or leaving—the country. Bolton cautioned Trump against cozying up to a man who routinely uses .30mm anti-aircraft guns to execute civilians.

“Trump tends to keep his moves to himself until he’s ready to act,” our source said. “So only President Trump knows what Trump is willing to do.”

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