Obama Denies Shredding 3,000 Pages of Nibiru Research


Disgraced former President Barack Hussein Obama on Monday denied that he had shredded 3,000 pages of pertinent Nibiru research shortly before then President-Elect Donald J. Trump moved into the Oval Office, according to a Washington correspondent familiar with an ongoing process to solidify Obama’s chances of being appointed the next Secretary General of the United Nations.

In the last two months, Obama has met privately three members of the U.N. Security Council, the governing body that recommends candidates to the General Assembly; any one of the five permanent Security Council members can also veto a nomination.

Obama has long sought the coveted position of Secretary General, and during his final days in office said that as leader of the United Nations he would fulfill promises he could not as President of the United States.  One such promise involved restructuring the world to his liking in the aftermath of an apocalyptic disaster from space.

“If I can’t do it and you and I can’t do it together now, then I’ll do it when I have more power,” Obama reportedly told Hillary Clinton at a 2013 Democratic fundraiser in Chicago.

On July 8, newly appointed Permanent Representative of France to the United Nations Nicolas de Rivière quizzed Obama on his 2013 statement. He asked whether stories of him shredding 3,000 pages of Nibiru data and smashing a backup thumb drive were true or apocryphal. The alleged account hinges on the credibility of former Obama aide Jim Johnson, who on January 14, 2017 said he had witnessed a “drunk and enraged” Obama retrieve reams of paper titled “Planet X Defense Doctrine” from a West Wing vault and toss them into an industrial shredder. Asked why he was destroying classified government property, Obama purportedly replied, “They are mine. Mine. Not his. And I have copies,” while cackling like a fiend.

The seemingly outlandish event was somewhat corroborated by a British Secret Service agent on loan to the White House. He said he overheard Obama bragging to Samantha Powers, former United States Ambassador to the United Nations, about dicing the Nibiru papers.

According to our source, Obama told Nicolas de Rivière the event never happened, and that deranged Trump supporters looking to further smear his good name probably concocted the sophistry out of jealousy of his presidential accomplishments.

“Obama flatly denied shredding documents and told de Rivière that, to his knowledge, no such documents ever existed, and if they had, he would not have destroyed global survival plans like a vengeful child,” our source said.

“Monsieur Obama, we don’t blame you if you did. Many of us would have done the exactly the same,” de Rivière replied.

Whatever answer Obama gave, our source said, really did not matter, for the vetting process is more a formality than an attempt to disqualify him. In fact, he has twice spoken with current U.N. Secretary General António Guterres, a lifelong Obama Supporter who clandestinely endorsed Obama’s 2008 and 2012 presidential bids. Guterres said if Trump is reelected in 2020, he will resign and recommend Obama to fill his shoes, because only Obama can save the world from certain doom if Trump is given another four years to destroy it. And with Nibiru on its way, humanity needs a fighting chance to survive unfathomable cataclysms, Guterres said to him.

Obama’s self-love and quirky desires to save the world from impending disaster are legendary. During speeches, he uses the word “I” more than any other word in his limited vocabulary. And in a letter to Pope Francis, Obama admitted to knowledge of Nibiru, writing “I neither seek nor require Jesuit assistance in determining the outcome of Wormwood’s (another term for Nibiru) passage through the solar system. I will, as I always have, handle this myself.” He even founded the Chicago-based Obama Foundation to groom society’s elite for life after Nibiru, and once stated to his flock that like the fiery Phoenix, he would arise from the ashes of a razed world to build it anew in his image.


Unrelated Obama Fun Facts:

In 2009, Obama’s foreign policy adviser Mark Lippert told the Washington Beacon that “Obama is a two-faced raging alcoholic who guzzles down bottles of Colt .45 with his black friends and daintily sips Chardonnay when surrounded by Caucasians.”  The article was later purged from the internet, and Beacon reporter Tom Sheppard received a handsome payoff to never again mention the quote.

During his final days in office, a bitter Obama told staff, “I am a better basketball player than Trump and Michelle can whoop Melania’s ass in a fistfight.”

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