Hillary Clinton Promises Warren the Presidency


A delusional Hillary Clinton on Monday guaranteed Democratic candidate Elizabeth Warden that she will be the next president of the United States, according to a Washington source familiar with Clinton’s influence on the Massachusetts senator who skyrocketed to infamy after President Trump debunked her Native American heritage claims.

Warren, who has gained ground on her Democratic contenders, dined with Clinton at Le Jardin Du Roi, a French bistro near Clinton’s Chappaqua mansion. The dinner conversation centered on Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump, and even more Donald Trump, with Clinton promising copious amounts of Clinton cash toward defeating the man who resoundingly spanked her in 2016. Clinton also promised Warren access to her book of dirty tricks, a secret manifesto that allegedly contains political and personal dirt on nearly every person in the legislative and executive branches of government.

As with all things Clinton, her help extols a heavy cost. In exchange for advice and money, Clinton wants a stake in the presidency; not a limelight position like Vice President or, God forbid, Secretary of State, but a shadowy spot on the sidelines where she can exert political influence and guide Warren towards becoming the most successful president in United States history.

“You’d think even the Dems would’ve had enough of that decrepit, pantsuit-wearing sorceress by now, but, no, she’s still slinking around. Even her voice is a witch’s cackle. And she piqued Warren’s interest, but Warren, right now, said she is more concerned about Biden,�

“You must beat Biden on your own. Prove to me you can, and I promise we’ll take down Trump together,� Clinton allegedly said.

“How can you help me beat him when you couldn’t do it yourself in ’16?� Warren replied.

Hillary blamed her loss on witchcraft; she said she knew how to break the evil spell Trump cast on the American public. She would turn red states blue and transform Deplorables into “Adorables.� She promised Warren eight years of unfathomable power and the opportunity to reshape America in Clinton’s image.

Clinton said she had devised a foolproof “October Surprise� to dethrone Trump; the plan allegedly involves CIA, FBI, and NSA operatives that have remained loyal to Clinton since her time in the Obama administration. Additionally, Clinton revealed that she intends to falsely accuse Trump of hiring Vladimir Putin to meddle in the 2020 general election.

“When Warren told her that operation didn’t work out so well the first time, Clinton flashed an evil grin and told her when a plan doesn’t work right the first time, the best thing to do is try the exact same plan again, until it eventually sticks,� our source said.

Their luncheon lasted 45 minutes and concluded with a hesitant Warren saying she will consider the offer. Clinton demanded a prompt answer, by the next full moon.

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Hillrybitch the witch still trying to gain power presiding over the US.